I've loved and I've lost
by minachandler
Summary: Set during 1x09. Kendra can't sleep. Ray ends up in bed with her. Smut.


Kendra can't sleep.

She tries, but in this double bed in a dark motel that doesn't have air conditioning on a warm summer's night - it's difficult to even get her head straight.

That, and a week after the fact, she's still trying to piece together why the team abandoned them in 1958.

Sara thinks they're dead. She was the first one to say it, and Kendra denied it at first, but now she's starting to think it's the only explanation. Why else would they be stuck here? The team should have found them by now. But then, Kendra also knows that time operates differently when you're travelling through it. That a second can be a lifetime and a lifetime can be a second, and they're breaking all the rules so there's no way of knowing where - or when - they are.

"Ray?" she says tentatively, and Ray sits up from where he's lying on the floor with a pillow and a blanket over him.

"Yeah?"

"Can't sleep either, huh?" she says, sitting up too and switching on the lamp so the room is bathed in a soft, warm glow.

"I'm worried about Sara," Ray says, but Kendra knows he's not being entirely truthful.

"It's not the first time Sara's stopped a drug deal, I'm sure," Kendra reasons.

"She could affect the timeline."

Kendra shakes her head. "Like we haven't? Ray, are you _sure_ -"

"I'm fine on the floor," he insists. "I promise."

"I just think it would be more comfortable for you here," Kendra says.

"It would be," Ray agrees, "but then _you_ wouldn't be comfortable. I know we're -"

"- together?"

"- possibly not out of choice -"

"Ray," she says firmly, "even if we weren't stuck in 1958, I would still want to be with you. We're partners, remember?"

"I know, it's just, I don't want you to feel like we're rushing into anything. It's only been a week since, and -"

"And it's very… noble of you to be on the floor but I can see you can't sleep because of it. So come on." She pats the space next to her, and to her surprise after a moment Ray relents and gets to his feet, complete with blanket, and he takes a tentative step towards the bed, then another, and finally he's sitting on the edge of the bed. Kendra sighs, and she pulls on his arms so he's in the bed properly, under the covers, with her. "Much better."

"Thank you," he says gratefully, and he moves so he's facing the ceiling, giving Kendra her space. Kendra leans on her elbow, watching him.

"You don't have to thank me. Just get some sleep."

"I can't do that with Sara out there on her own. I can't believe we let her go. Again."

Kendra chuckles. "I doubt anyone _lets_ Sara Lance do anything. She - needs a mission. A purpose. She had that with the team. And now she's trying to find that in something else. By becoming someone else."

For a moment, Ray just gazes at her rapturously, and Kendra can feel her cheeks heating up by the intensity of it. "Sorry," he says after a moment, looking away. "I just… you really understand people."

"Sara's harder than most," Kendra says. "She doesn't really let people in."

"But she did with you."

"Eventually. A bit like you, actually."

Ray's brow furrows but he's smiling nevertheless. "Me?"

"I know you've been hurt before. I can tell now, by the way you carry yourself. But it took me a while to figure it out because I couldn't see past that happy exterior you keep up all the time. It's like - that's your mask. Just like Sara's hiding behind her Canary one now."

"And underneath that?"

"Underneath all that I see someone who's still hurting, who's questioning his self-worth and his place in the world."

"Gotta say, you're definitely perceptive," Ray says with a nervous laugh. But he turns on his side and to her surprise he touches her for the first time, on the arm. His hand is warm as it closes around her wrist and then his fingers lace with hers. "I wish I could figure you out as easily."

"You will eventually," Kendra says softly, and she can't help but lean in and kiss him. She tastes fresh sweat and something hot and sweet - the tea they had been drinking earlier - and she's just about to clamber onto his lap when the door opens and Sara comes in. Clad in a black leather jacket and carrying a mask in her hand, her hair is dishevelled and she has a bruise on her cheek, but she otherwise seems okay.

"Oh," Sara says, just as Ray and Kendra jump apart. "So it's that kind of party, huh? Sorry for interrupting."

"It's fine," Ray says hurriedly, and Kendra feels sudden amusement by how Ray's cheeks are suddenly flushed. "We were just -"

"- in the middle of something, clearly," Sara says. Predictably, she doesn't seem overly perturbed by what she just walked in on. "Well, I just wanted to let you guys know I was okay, so, like, unless I'm invited too -" Kendra has to resist the urge to burst out laughing at Ray's mortified expression when she says that "- I will, uh, leave you to it. Just - put a sock on the door next time, okay? Or the 'Do Not Disturb' sign."

"We will," Kendra says, biting back another laugh. "Sorry."

"'Night," Sara says, and she shuts the door. Kendra watches her go, then looks at Ray.

"Hey, is something wrong?" she asks. "Besides being worried about the team, I mean."

"What makes you say that?" He covers his shoulders with his blanket, and Kendra can't help but notice that he can barely meet her eyes. But then he does meet her gaze, and he sighs and nods. "I mean, you're not wrong. There is something… not wrong exactly, but -"

"What is it?" Kendra presses.

"Remember when I told you I lost my fiancée?"

She nods. "Yeah, Anna."

"About six months after she died, I found myself… with someone else. And I remember how it felt."

"What happened?" she asks quietly.

"Well, I kissed her, and then I just… walked away because it was - too much. It felt like I was betraying Anna. And this is the thing. I know what it's like, finding someone else and feeling like you're betraying the person who was meant to be the last person you ever kissed. And I don't want that for you."

Kendra can't help but smile. "That's sweet, Ray. But it's also not for you to decide."

Ray exhales softly and Kendra can feel the kiss of his breath on her cheek.

"I get that. But I just love you too much to hurt you."

His eyes widen, now, as he seems to realise what he's just said. Kendra opens and closes her mouth several times, trying and failing to speak.

"Oh God," Ray mutters. "Kendra, I - didn't mean to say that. Not this soon."

"Ray," she says gently, finally finding her voice, "it's okay."

And almost in spite of himself Ray smiles. "How? I just told you I loved you when you are nowhere near ready to say it back. If at all."

"It's okay," she repeats. "Because we'll get to that eventually. I _want_ to get there eventually. With you."

"So you're saying -"

"I'm not saying never," Kendra says firmly. "Just not right now. But the other thing… I think we've waited long enough."

For a long moment Ray looks into her eyes, then his flick to her lips, then back to her eyes again.

"Okay," he says eventually. "But, uh, here's the deal. We keep our clothes on for now, just because I, uh, don't have protection and I doubt you do either."

Kendra laughs. "Yeah, kinda hard to find in 1958. But, uh -" she puts her hand on Ray's chest, letting her palm slide down the fabric of his t-shirt to touch the firm muscles of his abdomen "- there are other things we can do. You know. Without taking our clothes off."

And then she can't stand it a moment longer; she leans in and kisses him, and _God_ is he good at this. His arms wind around her waist as he pulls her on top of him, and his t-shirt rides up to expose some of his toned stomach. She runs her hands over his abs and he groans needingly and she welcomes the sound, more than she expected, because it's so much easier to lose herself in him instead of thinking about what is to come for the both of them.

She lifts up her nightdress around her waist, and Ray gasps at that. "You're -"

"- not wearing any panties. I sleep light," she tells him, and she rubs herself against him, and he's hard for her, that much she can tell from the firmness pressing insistently against her bare thigh. Daringly she lets her hand slip down, and Ray's hips buck up uncontrollably when her palm covers him through his pyjama pants. Slowly she undoes the drawstring of his pants, but to her surprise she feels Ray's hand enclose her wrist once more.

"You haven't even -" Ray starts to say, trying to sit up underneath her, and Kendra silences him with a kiss.

"You go first," she whispers against his mouth, and she pushes roughly at his shoulders so he's on his back once more. He surrenders to her touch, letting her stroke him and kiss him, full on the mouth, in a way she's sure he's not used to with her. Their kisses have always been somewhat chaste, but now Kendra parts her lips so her tongue is in Ray's mouth.

It's easy to get him to come, right into his pants - he thrusts into her hand and in no time at all he's smiling sheepishly up at her.

"God, _Kendra_ …" he says thickly.

"Yeah?"

"You're amazing," he tells her, and she laughs. "No, I mean it. You're beautiful and just…"

"You," she says, dropping a kiss on his lips, "are not so bad yourself."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hmm," murmurs Kendra, and she almost yelps when without warning he flips them over easily so he's on top of her now.

He kisses her neck, tongue flicking out onto her collarbone, and Kendra feels her nipples pebble at that. She's thankful,now, that she isn't wearing a bra, especially as moments later Ray's mouth closes around her stiff nipple through her clothing. Kendra gasps, and when he moves his mouth away there's a wet patch on the fabric.

He cups her breast through her dress, while ducking his head down so he can kiss the inside of her thigh.

"Ray, you don't have to -" Kendra says, and she feels bad, now, but Ray shakes his head.

"I want to," he says quietly, and when he meets her eyes from where he is still at her navel she can see his earnestness and knows he meant it when he said he loved her.

He kisses his way up her thigh, straight to her centre, and then he just exhales softly so his breath ghosts her opening. Ray reaches up, lets his fingers slide inside her first, and it feels nice, really nice, as he strokes her with his fingers and parts damp hair and presses the palm of his hand right up against her entrance so it immediately becomes wet.

"That okay?" he asks.

"So much better than okay," Kendra replies.

"What about this?" Ray bows his head, and for a second Kendra feels like an actual goddess as Ray looks ready to worship her with his mouth - and then his tongue is inside her and she's on fire, getting warmer by the second, until she's sure she's dissolved into a pool of her own sweat. Then, just as abruptly, he withdraws, so the pleasure she was feeling is tortuously taken away.

"That's okay, Ray," she manages to tell him. "Just… keep doing what you're doing."

"Are you sure?"

Kendra just smiles, though. "Don't worry. You're good at this."

And at this Ray grins, buries his face between Kendra's legs once more, and Kendra arches her back, thrusting into his mouth, moaning his name needingly. Her legs go up and over his shoulders, and she can feel the strong muscles of his biceps as he supports her while doing God's work with his tongue. When she comes she cries out, and it's the first time she's had a climax in what feels like forever so it feels all the more overwhelming.

Her nightdress is still tangled around her waist as he crawls back up her, and as he does so she realises he's hard again. She pushes at his shoulders once more, so she's on top of him again, and she's straddling his hips and can feel his hard-on for her through his dampened pants directly against her entrance. She's sensitive, now, and turned on, too, because damn if it doesn't totally do it for her to feel his arousal almost inside her.

She shifts a little and he groans, hands clutching at her thighs and pulling her closer to him. His clothed need for her digs into her thigh, now, and she moves again, pressing herself onto him, loving how hard he is.

They come together this time, Kendra burying her face in Ray's neck as she reaches a high she didn't think she would ever get to again, and she delights in the dazed look on his face as they slowly float back to earth. She moves to lie by his side, arm going around his waist, and his goes over her shoulders as he holds her to him.

"Kendra?" he says uncertainly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think they're dead?"

"No," she lies, because she can't bear to think of the look on his face if she says yes. "Do you?"

"I don't know," Ray answers. "I'm sure of one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"We're going to be okay," he tells her, and he presses a kiss on the top of her head..

"We are?"

And when she meets his eyes she almost believes him when he nods, the softest expression on his features.

"Yeah," he says. "You know why?"

"Why?" she asks.

For what feels like the longest time, Ray doesn't say anything, just gazes up down at her, arm still wrapped around her shoulders. She reaches up, then, and kisses him, and when she pulls away she rests her forehead against his.

"Because I have you," he says at last.

"And I have you," she replies. And she hopes, in her heart, that somehow that will be enough.


End file.
